You Were Mine

I know a lot of people do not like them, but the Dixie Chicks have some good music. You Were Mine is an excellent song.  It is more about a divorce than anything, but I still like it.  

Over the last year, I’ve had a wave of memories come back to me. things that are not necessarily noteworthy, but they mean something to me. Tim and I were together a very long time, and a lot of the memories I have aren’t really big events.  Some of them are just random evenings we spent at home, or silly conversations we had, or jokes we made. 

But all of my memories about Tim are from when he was mine.  We loved one another through good times and bad. I didn’t always like him, but I always loved him. But that is a sign of a healthy relationship in my opinion.  No one is eveer going to be 100% the person you like, but you love them so you forgive flaws and mistakes.  

As I said, we were together a very long time, 13 years before his death.  That is a long time to be with someone.  I let him down sometimes, as did he me, but our love never died.  So Tim, I’ll always remember that You Were Mine.  

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here. 

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It’s All Over But The Crying

Garbage is one of my favorite bands of all time. I have quite a list of bads that I hold dear, but Garbage is pretty high on the list. It’s All Over But The Crying is another song about a lost love. I think the song is more about the death of a relationship, but as with most music, it is up to the listener’s enterpretation. The title alone is very true of my situation last year. 

I’ve stated before how and why I left Tim. The reason for the separation aside, I still loved him and will continue to do so until the day I die. But upon learning of his death, it really was all over. All that was left was for me to cry and attempt to put my life back in order. 

When a loved one dies, you feel like your life has come to a halt. The world you knew is gone. All there is is an empty void. You no longer get to talk to that person, no more experiences are shared, no more holding them for comfort. All you can do is cry. Cry and hold onto the memories of a better time when they were there. But crying is the key. Sometimes it is ok to just cry. 

A lot of adult men, myself included prior to this ordeal, don’t cry.  They think showing their emotions makes them weak. You can’t force men to realize this is wrong, but from personal experience I can tell you that crying is natural, it is healthy, and it is very healing.  

Tim died. No more can I share things with him, I cannot hug him, I cannot talk to him. I can only remember when I could do those things, which makes me cry sometimes. It’s all over but the crying.

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

Let Me Let Go

Faith Hill’s Let Me Let Go is a great song. Vince Gill sings backup for her. Their voices go nicely together.  I’m solely stealing the title here, though it is a good breakup song. 

For months after Tim died, it seemed to be my only focus. i talked about him, thought about him, I was distracted while trying to do normal everyday motions while thoughts of doing them with him were always on my mind. Even cleaning, which he NEVER did, I’d remember having to clean up after him.

It was a very hard time.  I thought I had made peace with his passing, but he was always on my mind. So I guess I was not.  I just wanted some peace in my mind. I needed to learn to let go of the heartache and find my way again.

Letting go is hard.  And it doesn’t mean forgetting, but it does mean not letting sadness rule your life.  It takes a long time to process and get through, but once you finally let go of the hurt you feel so unbelievably free.  

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)

Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) is a song that can read through to many people in many instances throughout life.  As does Britney Spears’s Stronger. I have included both on the playlist this evening for two reasons.  One, they both convey a similar message “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” and two, Tim and I actually had a heated debate one night about which song was better. 

That was a great debate, and one I would often instigate him into. he was ALWAYS team Britney, she could do no wrong in his eyes. He stood by her through the 2007 meltdown and head shaving, through the tragic attempt at a comeback a year of so later with the live performance where she literally walked back and forth and let people dance around her and she couldn’t even keep her lip sync on track. It was like a train wreck you couldn’t look away from. But Tim was a faithful, devoted fan. He was about a step away from the youtuber Chris Crocker’s video of “Leave Britney Alone”. 

But back to point, it was so easy to get him riled up by comparing anyone to Britney (or Cher, but that’s another story). I often would get him going by saying Christina Aguilera was better, or Kelly Clarkson, or any pop artist really. Then the debate was on! His love for Britney never waivered, much like his love for me did not.  He knew I was only getting him going and he always let me do it. Some of our best conversations always started as arguements or debates and they never ended harshly. I miss that. 

But as to the actual meaning behind the song, I agree wholeheartedly. What doesn’t kill you, defintely makes you stronger. There were times after his passing that I thought I’d die of a broken heart. There were even a couple times I wished I would. But I survived and though I haven’t completely figured it out yet, I’m sure there is a reason why. Getting through the pain, the loss, the grief, the anger, the denial, and the sadness has defintely made me a stronger person. 

You kind of learn a lot about yourself in times of trouble. When you suffer a loss like I did, you get that feeling that you can’t go on. You aren’t sure how other people do it. There are times that you don’t want to go on at all. But you do. Every minute of every day is a struggle to make it to the next, but you make it. Your world has fallen apart and you are grasping at sraws trying to hold on to the smallest things to keep from losing it all, but eventually you get to that point where you rise up and realize that you have the power to move past the pain. The hurt never really goes away, but you learn to not let it consume you. 

That’s what happened for me. I hope I never have to go through an ordeal like this again, but if I do, I know I can.  I have proven to myself that I AM STRONGER. 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

What Hurts The Most

‚ÄčI can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ’em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin’ on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’ what could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was trying to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doing it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’ what could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was trying to do, oh

What hurts the most was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’ what could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was trying to do

(Not seeing that lovin’ you)
That’s what I was trying to do, ooh

Rascal Flatts’ song What Hurts The Most was my anthem for many a month’s over the last year.  I left Tim hoping he would get help, he did not. My intentions were good, but intentions don’t save lives. 

Read/listen to the words of the song. It speaks for itself. I have nothing else to add. 

As always you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

Sad Sad World

Sad Sad World is a non-album track from Sheryl Crow that she released as a b-side on the single (yes, that is dating myself…they don’t even do that anymore!) of Everyday Is A Winding Road.  The first time I heard it, I loved it. But that often happens with me and Sheryl. 

The song is exactly how you think, boy and girl date, boy and girl break up, girl misses boy and sings about it. I’m not taking the song so literally this time, just stealing the title. 

It has been a sad sad world without Tim in it.  Even though we were separated, we still talked and text on a regular basis.  We did have a lot of common interest and when one would see something that the other would enjoy, we usually shared. we did that a LOT prior to the split.  He’d often call me while I was at work to tell me crap he saw on tv or a funny sign he saw on the road, or just to tell me stuff.  He usually called me on his way home from work and would talk to me all the way home, despite knowiing he was going to see me 30 seconds later after he walked in the door. 

We told each other almost every minute of every day for over a decade.  We had no secrets (until the end).  If anything went wrong, we were each other’s first call.  If something good happened, we called.  If we heard something funny, we called.  We loved to make each other laugh. Especially funny stuff.  If nothing else, we laughed.  

The saddest part of my new life where Tim is dead is that I miss having someone I just feel I have to tell every single thing.  Not only was Tim my husband, but he was my best friend. I miss that friendship more than I miss any other aspect of our relationship.  And that is way it is a sad sad world without Tim in it. 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

I Would Have Loved You Anyway

I Would Have Loved You Anyway is a fantastic song by Trisha Yearwood.  It is very fitting for not only how I feel about Tim, but about a topic I’ve blogged about before….the things we go through make us who we are. 

The song itself is more about a breakup (aren’t they all?) than the loss of a loved one, but I find it fitting. “If I’d have known the way that this would end, if I read the last page first”, the opening line of the song, is very true.  If I had known 14 years ago upon meeting Tim that someday in over a decade, I’d be mourning his death, I still would have loved him. 

In the song, she sings about not changing things and doing them exactly the same, and I do disagree there.  If I could go back and know what I know now, I’d defintely make a few changes.  Both in my actions and how I reacted to his, But I still would have loved him.  I wouldn’t change the experience of having him in my life for anything. 

I learned a lot in those 13 years together.  About myself, about him, about how to be in a real relationship, about how to be an adult, about how to be a better person.  I wouldn’t change those life experiences. 

Would I have tried harder to fight his addiction problems? Yes. Would I have stepped up to be a better husband? Definitely. Would I have learned to be more outgoing to keep up with him, who was a social butterfly? Absolutely.  But would I have not loved him? NEVER. 

So, Tim, wherever you are (cause I know you don’t go places you can’t get high speed WiFi), I have no regrets. I have no sadness looking back at our time together.  I have only love. If I had known years ago I would lose you, I’d do it anyway.  I Would Have Loved You Anyway. (But probably twice as hard). 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.