Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)

Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) is a song that can read through to many people in many instances throughout life.  As does Britney Spears’s Stronger. I have included both on the playlist this evening for two reasons.  One, they both convey a similar message “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” and two, Tim and I actually had a heated debate one night about which song was better. 

That was a great debate, and one I would often instigate him into. he was ALWAYS team Britney, she could do no wrong in his eyes. He stood by her through the 2007 meltdown and head shaving, through the tragic attempt at a comeback a year of so later with the live performance where she literally walked back and forth and let people dance around her and she couldn’t even keep her lip sync on track. It was like a train wreck you couldn’t look away from. But Tim was a faithful, devoted fan. He was about a step away from the youtuber Chris Crocker’s video of “Leave Britney Alone”. 

But back to point, it was so easy to get him riled up by comparing anyone to Britney (or Cher, but that’s another story). I often would get him going by saying Christina Aguilera was better, or Kelly Clarkson, or any pop artist really. Then the debate was on! His love for Britney never waivered, much like his love for me did not.  He knew I was only getting him going and he always let me do it. Some of our best conversations always started as arguements or debates and they never ended harshly. I miss that. 

But as to the actual meaning behind the song, I agree wholeheartedly. What doesn’t kill you, defintely makes you stronger. There were times after his passing that I thought I’d die of a broken heart. There were even a couple times I wished I would. But I survived and though I haven’t completely figured it out yet, I’m sure there is a reason why. Getting through the pain, the loss, the grief, the anger, the denial, and the sadness has defintely made me a stronger person. 

You kind of learn a lot about yourself in times of trouble. When you suffer a loss like I did, you get that feeling that you can’t go on. You aren’t sure how other people do it. There are times that you don’t want to go on at all. But you do. Every minute of every day is a struggle to make it to the next, but you make it. Your world has fallen apart and you are grasping at sraws trying to hold on to the smallest things to keep from losing it all, but eventually you get to that point where you rise up and realize that you have the power to move past the pain. The hurt never really goes away, but you learn to not let it consume you. 

That’s what happened for me. I hope I never have to go through an ordeal like this again, but if I do, I know I can.  I have proven to myself that I AM STRONGER. 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

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What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ’em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin’ on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’ what could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was trying to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doing it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’ what could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was trying to do, oh

What hurts the most was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’ what could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was trying to do

(Not seeing that lovin’ you)
That’s what I was trying to do, ooh

Rascal Flatts’ song What Hurts The Most was my anthem for many a month’s over the last year.  I left Tim hoping he would get help, he did not. My intentions were good, but intentions don’t save lives. 

Read/listen to the words of the song. It speaks for itself. I have nothing else to add. 

As always you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

Sad Sad World

Sad Sad World is a non-album track from Sheryl Crow that she released as a b-side on the single (yes, that is dating myself…they don’t even do that anymore!) of Everyday Is A Winding Road.  The first time I heard it, I loved it. But that often happens with me and Sheryl. 

The song is exactly how you think, boy and girl date, boy and girl break up, girl misses boy and sings about it. I’m not taking the song so literally this time, just stealing the title. 

It has been a sad sad world without Tim in it.  Even though we were separated, we still talked and text on a regular basis.  We did have a lot of common interest and when one would see something that the other would enjoy, we usually shared. we did that a LOT prior to the split.  He’d often call me while I was at work to tell me crap he saw on tv or a funny sign he saw on the road, or just to tell me stuff.  He usually called me on his way home from work and would talk to me all the way home, despite knowiing he was going to see me 30 seconds later after he walked in the door. 

We told each other almost every minute of every day for over a decade.  We had no secrets (until the end).  If anything went wrong, we were each other’s first call.  If something good happened, we called.  If we heard something funny, we called.  We loved to make each other laugh. Especially funny stuff.  If nothing else, we laughed.  

The saddest part of my new life where Tim is dead is that I miss having someone I just feel I have to tell every single thing.  Not only was Tim my husband, but he was my best friend. I miss that friendship more than I miss any other aspect of our relationship.  And that is way it is a sad sad world without Tim in it. 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

I Would Have Loved You Anyway

I Would Have Loved You Anyway is a fantastic song by Trisha Yearwood.  It is very fitting for not only how I feel about Tim, but about a topic I’ve blogged about before….the things we go through make us who we are. 

The song itself is more about a breakup (aren’t they all?) than the loss of a loved one, but I find it fitting. “If I’d have known the way that this would end, if I read the last page first”, the opening line of the song, is very true.  If I had known 14 years ago upon meeting Tim that someday in over a decade, I’d be mourning his death, I still would have loved him. 

In the song, she sings about not changing things and doing them exactly the same, and I do disagree there.  If I could go back and know what I know now, I’d defintely make a few changes.  Both in my actions and how I reacted to his, But I still would have loved him.  I wouldn’t change the experience of having him in my life for anything. 

I learned a lot in those 13 years together.  About myself, about him, about how to be in a real relationship, about how to be an adult, about how to be a better person.  I wouldn’t change those life experiences. 

Would I have tried harder to fight his addiction problems? Yes. Would I have stepped up to be a better husband? Definitely. Would I have learned to be more outgoing to keep up with him, who was a social butterfly? Absolutely.  But would I have not loved him? NEVER. 

So, Tim, wherever you are (cause I know you don’t go places you can’t get high speed WiFi), I have no regrets. I have no sadness looking back at our time together.  I have only love. If I had known years ago I would lose you, I’d do it anyway.  I Would Have Loved You Anyway. (But probably twice as hard). 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

Cry

If anyone asks

I’ll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare
I’ll pretend that I don’t hear them talk
Whenever I see you I’ll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I’m okay with it all
Act like there’s nothing wrong

[Chorus]
Is it over yet
Can I open my eyes
Is this as hard as it gets
Is this what it feels like to really cry
Cry

If anyone asks
I’ll tell them we just grew apart
What do I care if they believe me or not
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart
I’ll pretend I’m okay with it all
Act like there’s nothing wrong

[Chorus]

I’m talking in circles
I’m lying, they know it
Why won’t this just all go away

I love Kelly Clarkson, I freely admit it. I first heard this song when the album came out years ago, and I liked it and thought it was sad.  I kind of rediscovered it when I had made the decision to leave Tim. It is the epitomy of a sad breakup song.  But after his death, the words spoke to me.  

“When people all stare, I’ll pretend that I don’t hear them talk”, especially at work, I could feel the eyes on me after I returned to work.  I could hear them all talk about me and how sad I was, how unlike myself I had become. I wasn’t, I’ll admit. I was a shell for a very long time.  I went through the motions without the feeling behind it. It was a very long time before I felt that I wasn’t being pitied at every turn, that every conversation wasn’t a painful trial to judge if I was okay to be around people yet. 

“I’m talking in circles, I’m lying they know it, Why won’t this just all go away?” That’s how every conversation felt after his passing. It felt forced, it felt intrusive, and it felt like I was reliving it every single time. I felt I couldn’t stop talking about him, his creativeness, his originality, his stubbornness, and even his flaws. Every conversation I had, I felt I owed it to his memory to speak of him. Looking back, I feel sorry for my friends that had to listen to me. 

“Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart, I’ll pretend I’m ok with it all, act like there’s nothing wrong” There were times I was so sad, so distraught, that I felt that I was dying myself. In public when those moments hit, I tried so hard to pretend that I was ok. That I was not heartbroken. That I did not feel like my life was at a standstill. I tried so hard to be “normal”, I don’t even know if I was fooling anyone, I’ve never asked. I am thankful that none of my frieds or coworkers called me out on it. 

“Cry”. I have never been a crier. Things are sad to me, yes, but I have not been one to tear up.  But I have cried a LOT in the last year. In private, it has actually helped me feel better. As if my emotions can escape through my tear ducts. Sometimes I even welcome it.  In public, I’d still prefer not to be seen doing it, but it has happened a time or two. If nothing else, it has shown a level of humanity that I’ve been accused of not having. I don’t mind showing my softer side, especially since I want people to know just how much one man meant to me. 

I’ll continue listening to this song. Though it does bring back some memories, it brings back good ones more often than not. It helps me work through emotions that a lot of people try hard to avoid. 

“Is this what it feels like to really cry?” Yes, Kelly, it is. 

As always, you can find the music to my blog by clicking here.

I’m Not Supposed To Love You Anymore

Not only a great song by Bryan White, I’m Not Supposed To Love You Anymore is exactly the vibe I got from people after Tim died. We were separated at the time, true, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him. It doesn’t mean that we hadn’t been in each other’s lives for 13 years at that point. It doesn’t mean the bad time we were going through in any way outweighed the wonderful years we had together. 

I left Tim in May of 2016. I couldn’t watch him kill himself with his drug dependency issues he refused to acknowledge.  It was making him defensive, secretive, and distant. He was resentful that I had even mentioned he might have a problem in the first place.  As a recovering addict, I saw the signs and ignored them all I could, but it had gotten to a point that I could no longer ignore. I could no longer pretend that he was the same man I married. 

But for all his flaws, I still loved the man. I will continue to love him until I die myself. When you split with someone, there is no magic switch that you can turn off your feelings. I’ve discussed this before, but I actually thought that me leaving him would provide the kick in the ass he needed to get his shit together.  It did not, it actually made matters worse.  But it didn’t make me love him any less. 

So those that heard my husband died and replied with “oh, but you were split up right?”, yes he did.  And I was devastated, sad, and practically inconsolable for a long time. 

I’m not supposed to love you anymore, according to some, but I do. Always will. 
As always, you can find the music to my blog by clicking here.

Everything

Everything by Alanis Morissette was Tim’s favorite song. I wasn’t a fan when I first heard it, but after the four millionth time he made me listen to it, I began to see why he liked it so much. The song perfectly descrbes him. Eerily so, in fact. But the song isn’t about just describing, but about the love between the singer and the one the song is sung about. It perfectly describes our love.  We both had our flaws in character, but we loved one another. We embraced each other’s flaws and never let them keep us from love.  

Over the next week, I will be posting TWO blogs everyday (starting tomorrow January 25th) leading up to February 1st, the anniversary of Tim’s death. On the 1st, I plan on THREE blog posts. I’ve actually planned this out, there were lists and charts and a whole flow chart…it was a whole process.  But I wanted everyone to know what he meant to me, how his death has affected me, and the current state of mind I hold. Admittedly, I hope that by blogging my feelings I won’t have to talk to people about them. That is something I am still working on. But I want to be able to articulate exactly what I want to say and I’ve always been a better writer than a speaker. 

So, for those readers that pay attention, it may seem to be a sad week, but I am hoping to convey that I am merely trying to celebrate the life of a man that truly changed mine for the better. For those of you that follow the playlist, well consider this week to be the “slow dance” section of the music. 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.