Wicked Ways (NSFW)

Wicked Ways by Garbage is probably in my top 20 songs of all time. The whole album Version 2.0 is phenomenally awesome.  I highly recommend it. I’m positive the other songs from the album will show up here at one point. But Wicked Ways is the ultimate “stripper” song in my opinion. The music, the tone of the song about trying to be “good” and failing….awesome.  

I identify with the song.  I have (all my life) tried to put on a good front as a normal homosexual man.  There is a lot of stigma about gays being promiscuous with their sexual habits and being into a lot of things the majority of the population considers taboo.  While I hate the stigma attached to that, I freely admit I AM THAT FREAK. But in my own way, of course. I have, at times, been rather a hoe. I do believe in love, and when I am with someone I believe in being faithful. But when I am single, I firmly believe it’s my body, I’ll do what I want with it. And who I want. 

I have a LOT of interests sexually that most consider taboo or out of the norm.  I’m not ashamed of them, though I don’t go around with a sign stating them either.  I am going to talk about a few of them, so stop reading now if you don’t care to know. 

I am very into the Dominant/submissive apect of sex. It is more than just who is doing the fucking and who’s taking it like a champ, it’s about the exchange of power being two consenting partners. One gets all of it, the other willingly gives the power over to the other. Usually this is not just a bedroom dynamic, but a way of life.  Other times, it is just a sex thing. Sometimes it happens without either party being aware of it.  For instance, Tim (my late husband) was very overpowering in life, we usually did what he wanted to do and on his timeline. He was in charge of the finances (poorly) and more often than not every aspect of our life together. I willingly let him have that control.  Happy wife, happy life, right?  Though in the bedroom, he preferred to be more of the submissive one, though admittedly, he was a very boring lover.  I enjoy both being Dominant and submissive. In the community of that realm that is known as a switch.  

I also like spanking. It kind of goes along with the “power” aspect of things. Being punished or punishing someone can be very erotic. I know a lot of you are thinking “OMG, how dare he!” But, quite frankly any woman or man who has jumped on the 50 Shades Of Grey bandwagon can sit down and shut up.  The books and movies have made a shit ton of money, so there are obviously some freaks like me out there. (Disclosure: I have not read more than an exerpt nor seen any of the movies)

Age differences can be fun.  Now that I am 40, I’ve had a giant wave of guys half my age hitting on me and calling me Daddy. I love it. Not that in anyway do I feel like a parent, nor have a desire to be one, nor want a boyfriend I have to raise.  But the thrill of getting a lover half your age is quite thrilling.  Their willingness to explore and the stamina they have is very reminsicent of when you were that age.  On the other hand, it’s almost like a community service to teach them how to be better at sex.  You pick up a few tricks over the years, they might as well learn a thing or two. I am not into men significantly older than me, though when I was 20 a few 40 year olds turned my head.  At the very least, bagging a lover half your age will make you feel young again, if only for an hour or two. 

I am fascinated by chastity and controlled orgasms.  To spell it out for those not in the know, there are locks and restraint devices you can put over a man’s penis to prevent him from getting an erection or touching his penis. Again, this goes back to a power exchange.  The one wearing the device has given over his right to an orgasm to the one not wearing it. The entire sexual experience becomes all about the Dominant one’s orgasm.  I have only been on the Dominant end of this, and I loved it, but I have talked to a few on the submissive end of it and in their opinion it is very erotic to know that they are pleasing the one they are with. It takes the pressure off of them and their penis and allows them to focus on being an attentive lover.  The two experiences I have had with this, I can see how that is true.  They were very focused on pleasing me, and eager to do so. 

A lot of other “taboo” or “fetish” things pique my interest, but I’ll save them for another time.  I will add that anything I mention needs to be between two consenting adults, and should not be tried without complete trust and safety.  

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

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Without You

‚ÄčI’ve sure enjoyed the rain

but I’m looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain
when you lose the love you gave someone
I thought by now the time
would take away these lonely tears
I hope you’re doing fine all alone,
but where do I go from here ’cause

Without you I’m not okay
And without you
I’ve lost my way
My heart’s stuck
in second place ooh
Without you

Well I never thought I’d be
lying here without you by my side
It seems unreal to me that
the life you promised was a lie
You made it look so easy
making love into memories
I guess you got what you wanted
but what about me ’cause

Without you I’m not okay
And without you
I’ve lost my way
My heart’s stuck
in second place ooh
Without you

Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart
That I’m better off without you
‘Cause baby I can’t live

Without you I’m not okay
And without you
I’ve lost my way
My heart’s stuck
in second place ooh
Without you…Without you
I know, again with the Dixie Chicks. But sometimes music just speaks to me.  Without You is probably meant to be a breakup song, but it doesn’t explicitly say so.  There are a lot of great lines in this song that have or do apply to me.

I’m not going to quote them line by line, but I just want to state the truisms here.  The pain of losing someone you love is HORRIBLE. Absolutely killer some days. Time eases the hurt, but it never really takes it away. 

I wish someone could convince my head and my heart to get over my feelings, but isn’t how life works.  You have to learn to deal with things in your own way.  I am not sitting around pining to have him back, I can’t do that to myself, but I do think about him and remember him every single day. 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

He Stopped Loving [Me] Today

One year ago today, I received a phone call at 3:16 in the afternoon to let me know that my husband was found dead. It was a day I cannot forget.  A lot of emotions flooded me, I started smoking again, I drank, and I cried. A LOT. 

A couple days later, his family, his best friend, and I got together to talk and plan things after his passing.  A lot of tears, hugs, stories, and even some laughter.  Tim loved to laugh and we honored that.  The last thing he would have wanted was for all of us to sit around and mope. 

One of the things that I learned that day kind of made me feel like crap. Joe, Tim’s older brother, pulled me aside and told me that Tim told him that he would always love me and he didn’t know how to go on without me (we were separated at the time of his death, if you haven’t been reading faithfully).  The truth is, I feel the same, I just was trying to teach him a lesson so to speak.  

But this conversation with Joe brought new light to how much he loved me.  He had told Joe that he wanted to do anything and everything he could to get me back. He didn’t want to be without me. Unfortunately, he never said these things to me. 

It did bring to mind George Jones’s song He Stopped Loving Her Today. A song about a man that loves a woman for decades until he dies. Upon his death is the only time he stopped loving her.  I guess that is true of Tim, though I’ll never know if that is true.  I do know that is how long I’ll love him though. 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ohhh ohhh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you’ve done
Forgive all your mistakes
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you, but I know you won’t be there

I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside, but I won’t admit
Sometimes I just want to hide ’cause it’s you I miss
You know it’s so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I’ve missed you since you’ve been away

Oh, it’s dangerous
It’s so out of line to try to turn back time

I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself

By hurting you

Chistina Aguilera’s Hurt is a song that describes my situation perfectly. I left Tim in a time he really needed me because I couldn’t deal with his issues. He had a drug problem, something that I had already conquered in my own life. Rather than help him deal with it, I ran and hoped he would crash and burn until he realized I was right.  

Unfortunately, he crashed and burned in another direction, resulting in his death.  I will never get the opportunity to tell him why I left or what my goal was.  I just have to live with the regret that while I thought I was doing a helpful thing, I may have pushed him over the edge into a lethal direction.  The guilt of that will stick with me forever, no amount of talking about it or rationalizing makes it go away. 

I blamed a lot of the problems we had on his drug usage, and that was a problem, but looking back I wasn’t very supportive to help the issues either. Now that I have to live my life without him in it, I truly did hurt myself by hurting him. According to those he was close with, he was so angry with me. I tore his world apart by leaving, though my intention noble, it still resulted in betrayal in his eyes. He died thinking I no longer loved him, and that is the opposite of the truth. I left because I loved him, but I was also selfish.

I didn’t think he could survive without me, especially financially, and he would be forced to see things my way.  I never once considered trying to see things from his perspective, though as a recovering addict, that is something I should have had an inside scoop on.  My selfishness of not being able to deal with his dependancy issues overrode the love I will continue to harbor for him. 

I hurt him, and that hurts me. 

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

You Were Mine

I know a lot of people do not like them, but the Dixie Chicks have some good music. You Were Mine is an excellent song.  It is more about a divorce than anything, but I still like it.  

Over the last year, I’ve had a wave of memories come back to me. things that are not necessarily noteworthy, but they mean something to me. Tim and I were together a very long time, and a lot of the memories I have aren’t really big events.  Some of them are just random evenings we spent at home, or silly conversations we had, or jokes we made. 

But all of my memories about Tim are from when he was mine.  We loved one another through good times and bad. I didn’t always like him, but I always loved him. But that is a sign of a healthy relationship in my opinion.  No one is eveer going to be 100% the person you like, but you love them so you forgive flaws and mistakes.  

As I said, we were together a very long time, 13 years before his death.  That is a long time to be with someone.  I let him down sometimes, as did he me, but our love never died.  So Tim, I’ll always remember that You Were Mine.  

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here. 

It’s All Over But The Crying

Garbage is one of my favorite bands of all time. I have quite a list of bads that I hold dear, but Garbage is pretty high on the list. It’s All Over But The Crying is another song about a lost love. I think the song is more about the death of a relationship, but as with most music, it is up to the listener’s enterpretation. The title alone is very true of my situation last year. 

I’ve stated before how and why I left Tim. The reason for the separation aside, I still loved him and will continue to do so until the day I die. But upon learning of his death, it really was all over. All that was left was for me to cry and attempt to put my life back in order. 

When a loved one dies, you feel like your life has come to a halt. The world you knew is gone. All there is is an empty void. You no longer get to talk to that person, no more experiences are shared, no more holding them for comfort. All you can do is cry. Cry and hold onto the memories of a better time when they were there. But crying is the key. Sometimes it is ok to just cry. 

A lot of adult men, myself included prior to this ordeal, don’t cry.  They think showing their emotions makes them weak. You can’t force men to realize this is wrong, but from personal experience I can tell you that crying is natural, it is healthy, and it is very healing.  

Tim died. No more can I share things with him, I cannot hug him, I cannot talk to him. I can only remember when I could do those things, which makes me cry sometimes. It’s all over but the crying.

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.

Let Me Let Go

Faith Hill’s Let Me Let Go is a great song. Vince Gill sings backup for her. Their voices go nicely together.  I’m solely stealing the title here, though it is a good breakup song. 

For months after Tim died, it seemed to be my only focus. i talked about him, thought about him, I was distracted while trying to do normal everyday motions while thoughts of doing them with him were always on my mind. Even cleaning, which he NEVER did, I’d remember having to clean up after him.

It was a very hard time.  I thought I had made peace with his passing, but he was always on my mind. So I guess I was not.  I just wanted some peace in my mind. I needed to learn to let go of the heartache and find my way again.

Letting go is hard.  And it doesn’t mean forgetting, but it does mean not letting sadness rule your life.  It takes a long time to process and get through, but once you finally let go of the hurt you feel so unbelievably free.  

As always, you can find the music from my blog by clicking here.