As of last Thursday, July 20th, I have lived alone for one year. Though I left Tim in May, we cohabitated for a couple months prior to my moving. But having spent a year alone, I’m ready to date again. Sure there have been times I thought that before, numerous times in fact, but I don’t think I so much actually wanted to date, but I was bored or lonely or just sought some attention from someone that wasn’t a cat. Tim’s death put a definate setback in my dating. It was sad, and I’ll always have a place in my heart for him. But with that being said, I’m at a place where I’m ready to get back out there and have some coversation that doesn’t entail a “meow”.
Having had over a year to consider dating again, I’ve realized that not just any Tom, Dick, or Harry is going to satisfy my needs and wants in a relationship. It will have to be someone special, someone who puts forth an effort, and is patient with me. I’m difficult to get to know, I’m somewhat reclusive, I’ve been through a major loss, I’ve been burned by love before, and I’m approaching “gay death” (turning 40). So it will take a special individual to win my heart. It will also take time to do so, I’m not looking for a quick journey here.
I’ve put together a wishlist of things I’d like to find in a mate. I’ve left off a few obvious things like being male (I’m gay, duh), and physical characteristics that I find attractive (as they are not necessarily requirements), and comon sense things like don’t be a thief or murderer (for obvious reasons). But I’m listing things I’d like to find in a personality, in a life, and in a soul.
Here it goes:
-I want someone who is supportive without being judgemental. I have several things that I enjoy doing, that is who I am. I don’t want someone who is going to judge because I read too much, or that I am far more entertained staying at home rather than being in a crowd of people. Accept me for who I am
-I want someone that will not try to change me. I have a rather strong personality and I am pretty set in my ways. Don’t try to change me, but rather care enough to respect my limitations and let me make the decision to try new things with you on my own. I don’t want to be changed by you, but allow me to change myself to keep you happy. Relationships are a give and take, compromise is a key element. But forcing someone to change is a no-go for me.
-I want someone acepting of my past. In the past year, I have become a widower. I’m never going to not love my husband, but that doesn’t mean I cannot love again in the future. Accept that he was a big part of my life and realize that he will always be in my memory and in my heart. There is plenty of room for more than one there.
-Be respectful of my limits and wishes. I am a recovering drug addict, and I lost my husband to drugs. They are a definite turn off for me. I do not want them around me, nor in my home. Crowds of people are very hard for me, at times I can handle them, other times I cannot. Do not make me be in one if I am not comfortable doing so (forewarning is a good way to get me there).
-Be adventurous. I do like to try new things, but at my own pace. I love to hike and I like to discover new trails and see new places. I want someone who I can share this with, and maybe find a new hobby with. There are several things I thik sound appealing, but I have never tried, maybe our lists cross or I would discover something new.
I want someone encouraging. I am a former fatty, I once topped the scales at 312 pounds. I’m below 200 now, but I am still working to achieve my goals. I don’t want someone that is superficial and can’t get on board with the fact that my body is not perfect. I am a work in progress, and I will have many years of hard work to get where I want to be and to maintain it once I get there. Respect the fact that I do work hard towards my goals and be encouraging to help me get there.
-I want someone open minded, sexually speaking. There are a lot of things I have heard of or seen that I would like to try. I’m not saying I’d like all of them, and some I may not like at all. But after spending over a decade with the same man, having the same sex, and not having any variety (his biggest downfall prior to the drugs), I’m ready to have an exciting lover. Spice it up!
-I want to be able to have a conversation. I’m not saying we have to agree on everything, but being able to talk to someone that isn’t an unsufferable know-it-all, or close minded on new topics, or has a limited range of knowledge is a turn off. I’m not looking for a genius, just a man that can hold a conversation.
-I want someone that has their own life. I don’t want to be with anyone 24/7. Hell, I even annoy myself sometimes. I do not want anyone that can’t accept that I like to be alone at times. I have hobbies (reading, writing, and hiking mostly) and I like to enjoy them alone sometimes. I would hope to find someone that his own hobbies apart from mine. Maybe we can do them together at times, maybe it is your own thing. But I don’t want to spend all day every day with anyone.
-I want someone honest. Too many times I’ve met people, both dates and not, that are not truthful. Sometimes they are just saying what the think you want to hear, others they are trying to spare your feelings about something. I hate that. I am a very upfront person, if I don’t like something, I say so. If I have a character flaw you don’t like, say so. If I am anoying you, say so. Maybe it’s something I don’t even realize about myself. I will definately let you know if there is something that bugs me.
-I want someone loyal. Obviously when I meet someone I don’t expect you to cease talking to others, but should we begin to get serious, I don’t want to compete with someone else for your attetion. Exclusivity can and will be discussed at the appropriate time.
-I want someone caring. Everyone says this, but I mean it this way. Not everything I enjoy doing is going to necessarily appeal to you, but if I am excited about something, be caring enough to listen and be supportive even if it isn’t something you care about directly. Care that I care.
These are the tings I wish for. Obviously there is going to be some give and take in any relationship and no one (not even I) is going to check off every box you want in life. You have to take the good with the bad sometimes and that is as good as it gets. But hese are just a list of wishes that I thik are obtainable goals in a relationship.