33 Days

It’s been just over a month since my husband died. My emotions have been all over the map. I’ve been sad, I’ve been angry, I’ve felt guilty, I’ve even had some moments of peace. I can say, at the time of this writing, I’ve accepted the fact he is gone. I have many regrets of things once said and done, I’ve had an outpouring of memories flood my head, I’ve been angry at him and others for things that are beyond anyone’s control, and I’ve found peace reminding others of the impact he had on others. 

Though he was far from perfect, as is everyone, he was a great man. It is tremendously sad that he is gone, but I think the world is a better place for having had him in it. I’d like to believe that I am definitely better for having known and loved him. He was my friend, my lover, my family, and the other half that made me whole. 

He taught me what family means. His family took me in and loved me though they were not required to do so. He made me feel loved and welcome. Before I met him, my family were just people I saw on holidays and talked to if someone needed something, and most of them still operate that way. After being with Tim, I realize that family is someone you can call for no reason, to share your life and be your friend. It’s a support system, a sounding board, a cheerleader, and therapy all rolled into one. 

I’ve never been a believer in soul mates, I’ve been a loner most of my life. I’ve often sought companionship, only to push it away a short time later. But after meeting Tim, I craved his company. I wanted him around, I loved knowing he was near. I’m not saying I wanted to be with him (or anyone) 24/7, but I needed to be with him at some point in my day, every day. He was someone that I never wanted to push away. We loved one another unconditionally, and helped each other be better people. 

There are any number of things I do, and will continue to miss about him. His laugh, his intelligence, his cooking, his creativity, and his love. But I will have my memories of these, and other, happy times. I will continue to be sad at the loss, it may be a while before I can talk about him without getting emotional. I will always feel the loss, but he would not want me to live my life in sadness and despair. I’m not going to be happy necessarily, as his death will linger with me for some time, but I am going to be as happy as I can. Happy that I got to love and know a wonderful human being, happy that my life was forever changed when I met him, and happy that I continue to be a part of a family (Don, Marci, Joe, Jonathan, Andrea, spouses, nieces and nephews) that know how I much I loved their son or brother. 

I’m not completely at peace, but I’m headed in the right direction. 

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