Feigning Normality

It’s very hard to go on with life after the death of a loved one. Especially when everyone I see on a daily basis knows me as half of a couple. Without my other half, people feel compelled to try and comfort me all day long. I appreciate the gesture, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I’m purposely trying to distract myself from thinking about the loss of my husband. In those times, I’d rather focus on work, or my gym routine, or a book, or a t.v.show….anything BUT death.

I am still sad, I am still grieving, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m still thinking about it. But a distraction is nice. When I focus on my loss, it consumes me. I think of question that I may never have the answers for, like did he have any outstanding bills I am now responsible for? How did he make that one dinner I thought was so delicious? What do I do with his stuff? How long will I remember what his voice sounded like? Once his ashes are on my mantle, will that be weird once I decide to date again? Will I be able to forgive the secrets he hid in life that may arise in his death? The questions are becoming endless.

That is why I am trying to cope by spending large chunks of my day as if nothing has happened. I’m not ignoring, I’m not forgetting, I’m merely trying to distract myself. Being back to work has been nice, shy of the constant condolences, to distract my mind. Continuing my weekly gym routine has been great, the endorphins keeping me pumped. Reading has calmed my mind, sweeping me into worlds where my grief doesn’t exist. Even social media is a nice distraction, showing me that life is still going on with those I care for and reminding me that there is still plenty of good in the world to behold. 

I’m dealing with my loss in my way, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. But I am still alive, though my husband is not. Life needs to continue to go on, and the world around me is not going to stop because I suffered a loss. Even if it hurts on days I cannot quiet my mind, I need to find a way to go on with it. 


One comment

  1. itsmyhusbandandme · February 12, 2017

    Grief is a lonely journey. Sometimes only auto-pilot will do.


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