On Wednesday, February 1st, my heart was broken. I received the phone call I was dreading, that my (estranged) husband had passed away.
He was a very strong willed person, and we didn’t always get along, but we had a love that would never die. We were separated due to both of us having personal demons we had to deal with, but we were not out of each other’s lives completely. We really couldn’t stay away from each other for long, even if it was just to catch up or remember the past. Above all else, he was my friend. My best friend.
To get the call that he was gone from this world was devastating. My heart is breaking. I’ve cried so much my face hurts. I’ve had about 36 hours since the call to relive moments in my mind. I’ve tried to concentrate on the good times, but a few arguments have crept in. The seem so silly and trivial now. The “what ifs” started coming to mind, but I’m aware that we were on our own paths, and I don’t know if things would have been different. I cannot concentrate on those, as nagging as they are.
I want to remember the good times. We had more of those than I can remember at once. We were together for 12 years, there are countless memories of happiness. There are so many, I won’t begin to list them here.
I am sad, I am heartbroken, I am angry, I am grieving. I’ve cried more in the last day and a half than I have in the last year. I’m crying for the loss, I’m crying because I will never again hear his voice, I’m crying because I cannot tell him that I love him anymore, I’m crying knowing that this world will be a darker place without him. However, I’m a better person for having known him, having been his friend, and for having loved him.