I have not blogged anything in over five months (did you miss me?). It’s been a very emotional and mentally draining time for me. But I am taking back my life and making it what it should be.
Tim and I have been together for over ten years, as I’ve mentioned via this blog numerous times. Last August, was the beginning of the end for us. There were a lot of issues that had gotten out of hand in our relationship, and rather than deal with them we did the worst things we could possibly do: sweep them under the rug and ignore them, and look elsewhere for the attention and love we desired. He did the former, I did the latter. When the issues came to light, things were awkward at best, but we tried to make it work.
Sadly, after the first of the year, I realized that it couldn’t work any more. I’m not going to go into detail about the events that finalized my decision, I will never put his shortcomings (in my eyes) on this blog or anywhere else. Though I no longer have any commitments to him, I will respect his life.
In March, I started to prepare to take back my freedom and independence. I got my tax return and a bonus from work that month, and I used that extra money to set into motion the beginning of my freedom. I took control of the finances, as all of the bills are in my name. I began the process of being more independent from him, and started stating what I want. No more passivity to avoid conflict.
By the beginning of May, I had my ducks in a row. Everything was paid current, I had handled the rent by myself for months. It was all a matter of getting the nerve to tell him. During May, he made me attend two weddings for people I didn’t know, both of which I did not have a good time. Apparently, I was embarrassing to be with. Towards the end of the month, we met a friend for dinner and I was also apparently embarrassing then too, because of my “hateful attitude”. On May 27th, he confronted me about these embarrassing (for him) incidents, that I needed to be a better person and be friendlier. In my counter to his argument, I just simply stated I was done. Done with him and done trying.
It took him a couple days to realize I was serious, but once he did we’ve been through the usual emotional roller coaster (on his end, I’m remaining emotionless). He’s left for days on end, he’s actually been working more, and generally we stay out of each other way. I relieved him of any financial responsibility until he moves out. All he need do is feed himself. I buy my own food, pay all the rent and utilities, buy my own cigarettes, everything.
Our lease is up on July 31st. I’ve decided to stay in the complex, but in a smaller apartment. My new place will be available on the 15th of July, so I can move then, the remainder of the lease and July rent just move with me.
It’s less than a month until I move now, and it’s been difficult. There is over a decade worth of things to go through. We’ve yet to have a discussion of who gets what. It’s a conversation I don’t think he’s ready to have yet. It needs to be done soon though, so we can prepare for the inevitable separation. I’m going to go my way, and he go his. I still care what happens, and I hope he lands on his feet, but I can no longer be there to help or witness it. My decision is final.
That explains my absence somewhat, and I look forward to start blogging more. Adjusting to single life, living alone and eventually dating in middle age are all things I’m going to be going through in the coming months. Looking forward to hearing from some of you as I go through this journey!