I’m a hard ass. Always have been. But there have been a lot of sad times in my life that I’ve held my shit together and never shed a tear. Sometimes it was because I didn’t want to show weakness, others it was I trying to be strong for others around me, sometimes it all hadn’t sunk in yet. Mostly it is my own stupid pride getting in the way.
For some odd reason, all the times I’ve held it in came rushing back today. I’m writing this to try to concentrate on something else, yet still get it out of my system.
I’ve lost family members and never cried. I wanted to stay strong for my mom, who was sad. I didn’t cry when my grandfather died because of an unspoken resentment we both had that will never be resolved. I suppressed the tears because my pride wouldn’t let them flow.
I never cried when my parents divorced. I was in my thirties, granted, but it was still sad. It was a long time coming, but that didn’t make it any less sad.
I didn’t cry when friends and I have parted ways over stupid crap. My pride always held them back because I knew I needed more in a friend than someone who would leave me.
I wouldn’t cry over a lost love or a broken heart because I refused to let anyone know that they could mean that much to me. I refused to let them see the hurt I had inside. I would not let them have the power over me to cry, after I let them have the power to make me vulnerable in the first place.
I didn’t cry (much) when friends have died. I didn’t want other people to think that someone could be just a friend and still make me that sad. I wanted everyone to see I had it together, even though I didn’t inside.
I couldn’t cry when I realized I was alone in life and I had to learn to do things for myself. Finding out I was the only person I could depend on takes its toll. Especially when I was young and that life lesson hit me like a brick. I had to stay strong and crying alone would do no good.
I shouldn’t cry over things I cannot change. Accidents happen, people move on, people die, life doesn’t always go as planned, people change. Things are not always in my control, no matter how hard I try.
It is hard to cry when I am in pain. I don’t want anyone to think I am a wimp and can’t handle it. Especially when others can’t feel my pain and compare it to their own.
I don’t like to cry when I see someone dear to me going through something that I’ve been through myself. I need to be the rock upon which they can rebuild when the inevitable crash happens.
I’ve refused to cry when bad things have happened to me, then I let it happen again. I have trusted and been hurt by the same people repeatedly.
But I’m crying for these things now. All the hurt, the pain, the heartache, the sadness, the loss, and the regret came washing over me today. All the scabs have been picked from my emotional scars. The wounds are open as if they are fresh. Crying has never felt more freeing and so relieving. I refuse to let my pain be put on the back burner any longer. I’m swallowing my pride, pushing aside my strength to let my inner demons flow, breaking down the walls around my cold, frigid heart.
I am sad.
I am regretful.
I am heartbroken.
I am alone.
I am in pain.
But I am alive. I am loved. And sometimes I just need to be vulnerable and cry. It’s ok for others to see. It’s ok to be human and have feelings. My tears just show my humanity, my vitality, and my vulnerability. They are not curses running down my cheek, but proof of life.